With the midterm elections soon approaching, I thought I’d write a little satirical piece in the form of a State of the Union address. If the speaker sounds familiar, that’s entirely intentional. This isn’t an endorsement, a condemnation, or an invitation to turn the comments into a political food fight. I’m simply borrowing one of the most recognizable voices in American politics to deliver the cigar industry’s official version of reality. Republicans, Democrats, and independents are all invited to laugh, preferably at themselves.
Mr. Chairman, distinguished tobacconists, master blenders, brand ambassadors, cigar influencers, and my fellow cigar smokers:
We have some tremendous influencers, by the way. Tremendous reach. Sometimes as many as 47 people.
Tonight, I’m proud to report that the state of our humidor is strong.
Very strong.
Some people say it’s the strongest humidor they’ve ever seen. These are respected people. They know humidors. Not as well as I do, but they know them.
When we began, the cigar industry was a disaster. Wrappers were cracking. Draws were tight. Cigars had mold growing all over them. Terrible mold. Disgusting mold.
But it isn’t mold now. We’re calling it plume.
[Thunderous applause from the retailers.]
Beautiful, naturally occurring plume. A sign of proper aging. People come up to me with tears in their eyes and say, “Sir, I’ve never seen such magnificent plume.”
The mold people don’t like this. They’re very angry. They have microscopes. They have laboratories. But they don’t understand cigars.
Nobody understands cigars better than us.
Now, I know what some of you are saying. Prices. They love talking about prices.
“Sir, cigars cost $18 now. Twenty dollars. Twenty-five dollars.”
These are very negative people.
Those aren’t high prices. They’re premium prices. Completely different.
Will there be some pain? Yes, maybe, and maybe not. But it will all be worth the price that must be paid.
Mostly by you.
[Enthusiastic applause from the manufacturers.]
Some smokers may be uncomfortable for a little while. You may have to smoke fewer cigars. Maybe one a week instead of one a day. That’s called restraint.
Very classy.
The industry will continue making more cigars, of course. Many more. But they’ll all be scarce, which means there won’t be enough of them. Even when there are.
Manufacturers come up to me all the time and say, “Sir, our costs have gone through the roof. Tobacco, boxes, bands, shipping. Everything.”
And I tell them, “Raise the price.”
They say, “Sir, we already did.”
I say, “Raise it again.”
That’s leadership.
Now, some people call these cigars Limited Editions. I don’t like that word, limited. Limited sounds weak. It sounds like we couldn’t make enough.
That isn’t what happened.
We chose not to make enough. Completely different.
So we’re changing the name officially today. From now on, Limited Editions will be called Super Editions.
SE. Not LE. SE.
It’s a much better name. More accurate. More elegant. Some of the biggest, smartest, greatest people in the cigar industry came up with it.
Limited makes it sound like artificial scarcity. Artificial means fake. This scarcity isn’t fake. It’s very powerful scarcity. Very expensive scarcity.
And these Super Editions will have super tobacco. It may come from the same farms, the same pilones, and the same factory as the regular edition. It may even taste remarkably similar.
But the band is different.
[Standing ovation from the graphic designers.]
And Super Editions deserve super prices. You can’t put a regular price on a cigar with a secondary band. Everybody knows that.
A regular cigar might cost $14. Put it in a numbered box, add a second band, make only 50,000 of them, and suddenly it’s worth $25.
That’s not inflation.
That’s innovation.
Now, people know I don’t like California. Everybody knows it. Terrible government. Maybe the worst.
But they’ve got a law that I absolutely love.
The Unflavored Tobacco List. The UTL.
It’s a great law. A tremendous law. It’s big and beautiful.
Under this law, a premium cigar must be handmade, capped by hand, wrapped in whole tobacco leaf, and cost at least $12 wholesale.
Not retail. Wholesale.
For years, the so-called experts told us premium was about tobacco. Fermentation. Aging. Construction. Long explanations. Very boring.
California said, “No. It’s the price.”
And for once, California is right.
[Thunderous bipartisan applause from the cigar industry.]
Before I finish, I want to thank the influencers.
We have tremendous influencers. Loyal people. They share our announcements, defend our prices, and explain why every problem is actually the consumer’s fault.
They Make Ash Great Again.
[Influencers begin livestreaming themselves applauding.]
Some of them give us insights. Magnificent insights. The most insightful insights anybody has ever seen. They can explain what a cigar means before the manufacturer finishes the press release.
Others take one cigar and turn it into a reel, a short, a podcast, a newsletter, and an email funnel before the ash falls.
These people are helping us spread our vision.
Together, we will protect the industry and Make Ash Great Again.
May God bless our manufacturers. May God bless our retailers. May God bless our influencers.
And may God bless the State of the Humidor.
[The audience rises. Several cigars remain plugged.]
This was satire. Yes, the speaker is unmistakable, but that’s part of the joke. The cigar-industry behavior required very little exaggeration. If you’re still angry, check your humidity.
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